I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
