I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
