Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
