Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am one with the molecules
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
