Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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