Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
