i just sent this text using only my big toe
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
