literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
