Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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