i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
