I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
