Jerry, you need to find god
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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