Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
