O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
