Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
