how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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