so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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