First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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