im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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