I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
