I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
