did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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