I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
