That's intense
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
