When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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