I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I could fuck to npr.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
