I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize