Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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