im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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