Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
