So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
