Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
