Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
