If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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