Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
