did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm having to shit out rocks
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