I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Text me some of your sweat
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