I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
