Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
