i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
