Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
