I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
