Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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