did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
