Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
