guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
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You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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