it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You took a bar mat shot.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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