there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
