Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Send help, water and tortillas.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
