I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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