Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
