Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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