The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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