i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
